Do mothers have the right to judge each other?

Originally published: 10 April 2013

During a recent conversation with my friend and first-time mother of a toddler, I questioned her swearing in front of her three-year-old daughter, and she rightly told me to not judge until I was a mother.

This prompted me to question, is it ok for mothers to judge other mothers? Or should there be an unspoken sisterly pact during which we ‘live and let live’?

A survey has shown that 9 in 10 women are critical of almost every aspect of fellow mothers’ parenting skills.

According to the study, almost 88% of mothers disapprove of mums who do not do things ‘their way’.

The main cause for judgment lies with badly behaved children, causing two thirds of mums to ‘shake their head in disapproval’.

Coming second to temper tantrums is the controversial subject of breast-feeding too long, followed by the hotly debated topic of feeding your child junk food.

Earth mother-of-two Jessica Alba has previously said, “When you become a mom, the last thing you want to do is feel judged because everybody is trying to do the best they can.”

But it seems this may well be an idealistic view.

An American TV network found that out of 26,000 mothers, only 12 per cent did not judge other mothers as it was ‘their business what they do with their kids’.

A mother recently admitted in a UK national newspaper, to giving her toddler sedatives before flying to avoid the glares of people she believed were thinking, ‘Can’t you do something about that dreadful noise, you ineffectual mother?’.

Speaking about the ‘secret weapon of middle-class mothers’, Shona Sibary said:

“It wasn’t vodka. This was something that held the promise of a few hours of peace; the chance to eat dinner without having the contents thrown around. It was what was going to save me from a lynching at 37,000 ft.”

“One spoonful of a sedating medicine was all it took to knock out [daughter] Flo. She slept for hours, blissfully drugged.”

Her confession was widely met by outrage, with fellow mothers commenting:

“This is terrible. I have 3 young children. We holiday in the u.k. The toddler would get bored on a plane, but in a few years he will happily be entertained with a film.”

Another reader added, “Don’t take your one year old on a flight! We weren’t taken on planes until we were old enough to know we had to sit still and behave!”

Gwyneth Paltrow, who was heavily criticised when she admitted to avoiding carbs in children Apple and Moses’ diet, has spoken out about the trend in judgmental mothers, saying:

“We think that it makes us bad mothers or we didn’t do it right, but it’s like, we’re all in this together.”

“I never understand why mothers judge other mothers, like, ‘What do you mean you didn’t breastfeed? What do you mean you didn’t do this’?”.

The frustrated actress, who has suffered from post-natal depression, added:

“It’s like, ‘Can’t we all just be on each other’s side?’ It’s so hard anyway. Can’t we all help each other get through it?”.