Planning on moving to Walford anytime soon? Make sure you go in armed with these 30 must-know life lessons… it could save you a lot of aggro later on!
1) NEVER SAY "IT'S GOING TO BE THE BEST [INSERT MAJOR LIFE EVENT] EVER"
Because it won't be. Ever heard of dramatic irony?
2) AND ON THAT NOTE: GO AWAY FOR CHRISTMAS
Life tends to get a little crazy over the festive period in Walford. At best you'll have food thrown in your face; at worst? You die. Probably. Best to count your losses and head for sunnier climes.
**
- TEA AT HOME IS FOR LOSERS**
You want tea, you go to the cafe and pay for it by the cup, like everybody else.
4) BALD MEN WILL BREAK YOUR HEART
Seriously though, they will - just look at all the evidence love rats Phil Mitchell, Max Branning, Grant Mitchell and more have given us over the years if you don't believe us.
5) PREPARE FOR THE WORST ON YOUR WEDDING DAY
From someone rushing in and objecting, right down to the bride or groom dying in a horribly unexpected accident, it's best to prepare for the absolute worst if you're tying the knot in Walford. Fact.**
**
6) DON'T BUY A PET
Seriously though, who has time for animals in Albert Square? Nobody's managed to keep a dog alive apart from Robbie with Wellard - and, since then, it's been downhill for East London pets everywhere. Just look at what happened to Abi's poor little Tramp.
7) HOUSE SIZE DOESN'T MATTER
The Queen Vic is basically part-Tardis - ditto for Carol's house (remember how she had all of Bianca's kids in there? Along with Pat?). There's always room for one more - unless you're Kat and Alfie, we suppose.
8) A STOMACH ACHE USUALLY MEANS YOU'RE PREGNANT
Just ask Sonia Fowler - she knows.
9) LIFE EXPECTANCY ISN'T GREAT
Just make a will - that's all we're saying here. Make. A. Will.** **
10) YOUR SISTER / BROTHER IS PROBABLY GOING TO WIND UP SLEEPING WITH YOUR PARTNER
We don't know why, it just will. Roxy's done it to Ronnie TWICE now - twice. Jack Branning stole Tanya from Max that one time - remember? Plus Phil and Grant Mitchell were always swapping Sharon between them like the poor woman was a bag of sweets.
11) IT'S HIGHLY LIKELY YOU WILL WIND UP IN PRISON AT SOME POINT
Everyone's been in the bange, pretty much - even Dot Branning is due to be behind bars in the next few weeks. And if she can go down, so can we all.
**
- DITTO TO YOUR MUM / DAD**
Bradley Branning and Tiffany Mitchell learned this the hard way, bless them.
13) YOU CAN GET MARRIED AS MANY TIMES AS YOU WANT - TO THE SAME PERSON, TOO!
Ian Beale's been married so many times - and twice of those weddings were to Jane. And Kat and Alfie? Those crazy kids just love to tie and untie and tie the knot.**
**
14) TRUST NO ONE
Lucy Beale was murdered back on Giood Friday 2014 and, today, we still have NO IDEA WHO KILLED HER BECAUSE EVERYONE ON THE SQUARE HAD A MEANS AND A MOTIVE! That's gotta tell you something about living in Walford - it ain't no picnic.
15) ESPECIALLY YOUR DOCTOR
From Yusef Khan to Mad May, these doctors just don't have your best interests at heart. It's been that way ever since we lost Dr Legg, god rest his soul.
16) NEVER ASSUME THE VILLAIN IS REALLY DEAD
Make like Santa and check 'em once, check 'em twice, and check 'em a third time. Otherwise they'll just pop right back out of the ground like daisies when you least expect them. Nick Cotton, Den Watts and Sean Slater have all proven this for us over and over again.
17) YOU DON'T NEED A WASHING MACHINE
Why bother when there's a perfectly good launderette just down the street?
18) PEOPLE CHANGE - A LOT
From Ben Mitchell to Lucy Beale, Lauren Branning to Bobby Beale, expect everyone's face to change at some point. They're all part-Timelord, we've decided - with unlimited regenerations available. Win.
19) EVERYONE CAN TURN OVER A NEW LEAF
Remember when Billy Mitchell used to abuse and terrorise poor Jamie? No? We thought not; that's because he's been too busy being the funeral director with a heart of gold nowadays!
20) DOT BRANNING ISN'T ONE TO GOSSIP
Well, that's what she tells us, anyway. We're not too sure we believe her…
21) ALL CARS ARE DESTINED TO EXPLODE AT SOME POINT
Yup, despite the speed limits in place on Albert Square, plenty of Walford's most loveable characters have met their maker in a high-speed crash and the inevitable explosion that follows. Best to stick to the trains… or the ever-safe black cab!**
**
22) FATBOY IS THE ANSWER TO A LONELY NIGHT
From Denise to Sonia, Fatboy is there to help comfort Walford's women in their most pressing hours of need. He doesn't mind who, or why, or whether there's any sexual chemistry whatsoever; he's just glad you asked.
23) YOU CAN ALWAYS AFFORD A DRINK AT THE VIC
Kat and Alfie Moon are homeless - legitimately homeless - and they're still paying for gin and tonic's at their local boozer. Prices there must be pretty good, eh?
24) THE QUEEN VIC IS A DEATH TRAP
We've lost count how many times that place has burst into flames. Too many to consider it safe enough to pop by for a quick bevvy after work though, that's for sure.
25) THE BIGGER THE HAIR, THE BETTER YOUR CHANCES OF SURVIVAL
Peggy Mitchell, Lind aCarter, Sharon Mitchell... the bigger your hair, the cooler you are and the more likely you are to live a long and happy life in Albert Square. Fact.
26) CHILDREN CAN PRETTY MUCH TAKE CARE OF THEMSELVES
Where's Denny again, Sharon? Point made. That little kid's been living it rough for MONTHS now, we bet.
27) ALWAYS TAKE CARE WHEN CROSSING THE STREET
We wish Tiffany Mitchell, Jamie Mitchell, DC Emma Summerhayes and Ronnie's daughter Danielle had heeded this advice; we truly do.
28) NEVER SASS PEGGY MITCHELL
She could probably kill you with one swing of her tiny arm.
29) THERE'S ALWAYS WORK AT THE PUB
If you wind up losing your job, you can always head on over to the Vic, tail between your legs, and get a job cleaning toilets or pulling pints. They're basically a charity.
30) ALWAYS ASSUME THE UNEXPECTED
Sure, it's unlikely that your sister is your mother (Kat and Zoe), or your parents aren't married (Mick and Linda), or your wife is a murderer (Bradley and Stacey), or the nice old lady down the road is a heroin dealer (Dot!), there's always business at the B&B (despite nobody ever visiting Walford)... well, you get the picture. Just keep your wits about you, yeah?
Happy 30th birthday EastEnders! What life lesson has the long-running BBC One soap taught you? Let us know via the comments box below now.