How to build the trust back into your relationship
Monday 03 September 2012
Kym Marsh and Jamie Lomas tied the knot this weekend in a lavish ceremony surrounded by a host of celebrity friends, despite a somewhat turbulent start to the year.
The new Mr and Mrs Lomas, who have been dating since 2008, hit a rocky patch in March when pictures of Jamie emerged with another girl in his hotel room and he was accused of cheating on the Coronation Street actress.
The couple denied the allegations however, with Kym revealing that she never believed the reports, saying that if her Hollyoaks beau had cheated on her, she wouldn't stand for it.
'Make no mistake - I'm no mug. The reason I'm standing by my man is because he hasn't done anything wrong. If he'd done it, it would be a different kettle of fish! But he wouldn't’ she said.
The suspicion of infidelity, whether it’s proved right or not, can shake the foundations of any relationship.
It may involve a friend, acquaintance, or a complete stranger or it may just be a niggling sense of doubt, but no matter the situation, it can undermine the trust in your marriage.
Building trust and feeling like your partner is trustworthy is not always easy for those who have had their trust betrayed or for those who have jealousy issues. Once your trust has been violated, it’s difficult to make it viable in your relationship again but it can be done.
Here’s our comprehensive guide to moving on getting over relationship insecurities…
Communicate with your partner
Show your partner what makes you happy/unhappy/angry etc… and take the time to talk with each other frequently.
If you have something to tell your partner, don’t hold back. They might not like what you’ve decided but they will appreciate the fact that you are telling them what you need.
In a disagreement, many people spend their time thinking about what they are going to say, rather than listening closely tounderstand the perspective of their partner. Or, they get caught up in the intense emotions of the moment, which usually disables their ability to hear what the other is saying. Listen to each other and work it out from there.
“Giving undivided attention to your partner is possibly the sincerest form of flattery,” according to psychologist and advice columnist Dr. Joyce Brothers.
Don’t keep secrets
Keeping secrets is one of the worst things you can do in a relationship – you need to be as open with one another as possible, showing both solidarity and that you have nothing to hide. Be honest, open, and upfront. Assume everything you know will eventually come out. Secrets require enormous amounts of energy on yours/their part – energy that would be better spent into building the relationship.
According to Anita E. Kelly, Professor of Psychology and author of The Clever Student and The Psychology of Secrets, revealing secrets is very helpful when it is done right; that is, in a safe, non-judgmental environment. Revealing secrets can reduce stress, it helps people let go of an issue and think about it more clearly.
Never go to bed angry. Unresolved issues fester and can slowly turn into resentment. If you are in the wrong, take responsibility for your mistake. Owning up to your blunders – no matter how small – shows that you are honest and trustworthy.
If there’s an issue that’s bothering you “ignoring it isn’t going to make it go away,” says clinical psychologist and author of the book The Power of Two: Secrets of a Strong & Loving Marriage, Susan Heitler.
Reliability is closely linked to trustworthiness, so make every effort to do what you say you will do. If something comes up and you can’t follow through, call and explain. Norelationship flourishes when one partner is considered unreliable so take your commitments seriously if your want to be thought of as trustworthy.
Learn to trust yourself
“The sooner you admit to yourself that you’d like things to be better, the more likely you’ll be able to have the relationship you want” says Robert Solley, a clinical psychologist specialising in couples therapy.
If you don’t trust yourself, meaning your ability to have good judgment and to make good choices, how can you trust someone else?
Just keep in mind that once your trust has been violated, your defenses start working overtime to protect yourself. Pay closer attention to your instincts and keep working on building trust in yourself.